How can I beat a drug test for any detectable substance? What works and what doesn't?
Passing any drug test is relatively easy. In most cases I can think of, a drug test ends up feeling like a violation of privacy. If your intention is to maintain your privacy, by all means refuse. The person giving the test can say whatever they want. They'll even tell you it's the same as testing positive. A few years ago someone said that to me. I had no problem looking right at them and asking, “sooo, when did refusal and positive start sharing a definition”? I'll take my chances explaining a refusal or “unable to provide” over a positive any day of the week. In most cases “unable” and “positive” have the same outcome, but they do not mean the same thing. Tampering with a drug test so it favors you is a walk in the park. If your tampering is to land a new 9–5, the test will most likely not be observed. In recent years health insurance companies have started asking for pre coverage drug screens. The thought is, drug use equals risky behavior. Risky being the operative word. Higher risk used to equal higher premiums. Now high risk equals highway. As in, hit it. Let's answer your question. Obviously the way that works best (I didn't say the easiest) for anyone is abstinence. If your certain that all other probationary fronts are a-ok, adding abstinence to your repertoire of “in compliance” means, your PO likes you, there's no violation and tomorrow nights dinner isn't going to be mystery meat with yellow, wet, gritty, nugget things for dessert. I can promise you this, there are at least three distinct paths you face. Each one will impact more than just you. Do not make a choice based on the step your about to take. Choose your path knowing you'll walk it's entire course. Some take the long way down and around the mountain. This provides the time they need to learn a few things. Being eased back into society is advantageous for them. Now, after their supervised journey, they're equipped for unsupervised day-to-day living. For others, a one time mistake was made. Their PO will never understand. If they beat one test, it'll never happen again. They cheat, beat and it truly never happens again. Time for our third bunch. These guys and gals look only at this moment. Down and around the mountain sucks. They inconsiderately overstepped and fell. After a knockout bump on the head, “standing count!”, was their wake up call. Three paths as promised. Let's do four or five, just to give you options. 1.) Tell your PO your hot and you need help. Not after he asks if your ready to pee. The moment you make eye contact. Actually, maybe a pre-written letter handed to him will show more willingness on your part. Ask him to provide you with direction. 2.) Check yourself into rehab. Usually if you do this before your scheduled appointment, the rehab will make contact with your probation officer. As long as that happens, I believe it is not a violation in most areas. 3.) Refuse and take your chances. If you've never refused and you're in good standings, you might get away with it once. 4.) I'm not recommending anyone break the law. If you choose to break the law, own it. I missed a court date. Got locked up for months, dope sick. It was my fault. You break the law, it's your fault. A book, Quora answers, your girlfriend or barber cannot serve as your "I did it because he said”. Judges hear “it wasn't me” all the time. An admission of guilt with a truthful reason (not an excuse, a reason) shows accountability, ownership and willingness. I've stood in chains before 6–7 judges pleading guilty and offering an honest reason why. All but one, “time served”. Disclaimer time - So… No thanks to messing with my PO. I pee all the time for him, counselors and whoever else I have to. Thankfully I gave up heroin in November. Since I stopped using dope I've been given a new more legitimate reason to get a little crazy. I'm plagued with nightmares when I sleep. I sleep two nights on, two nights off, always. This has been documented in 7 rehabs and countless other facilities. I can't sleep and I go certifiably nuts every few days. It reminds me of drug impairment. Sadly, I do get crazy and everyone sees it. Happily, I can pass a drug test even while insane. Without sleep, I'll write things that hurt me to read when I do end up sleeping. I make bad choices sometimes, and I hurt my loved ones. I admit fault, seek forgiveness and remind myself I'm human. But I don't steal, manipulate, DUI, or miss PO appointments for heroin, ever… Back to the PO. My PO graced me with an opportunity to sign into rehab. Every PO appointment since has been ended with an appointment card for two weeks away as opposed to “turn around and face the wall”. I cannot see into the future but I have no intentions of slapping the hand that helped me so much. I've had several probation officer's over the years. I struggled with authority then and even today sometimes. But the current relationship I have with my PO took 40 years of really hard lessons to build. I'd never be so disrespectful to the one authority figure that said “I'm not going to put you in jail, I'm going to get you help”. OK, long enough disclaimer. Back at it. A lot of people think (not really) that fake dicks, fake pee, cleansers, additives, dilution methods are “where it's at”. Here's the thing dude, their wrong. If you want to rob Walmart how do you do it? The last thing I'd do is go into Walmart. They have plainclothes security, (still very obvious to those aware) friendly cashiers, cameras, (not just the ones up there) and I get my hair cut there. Why the hell would I even risk it? I'd rob the truck 50 miles before it gets to Walmart. 80 miles before that at Josh's usual last stop, Mary (his crush, my from time to time) working at the diner, serves him coffee with my laxative spike. Having just drivin nearly a hundred miles with ass cheeks quivering fearful to fart, Josh anxiously pulls into my turf. With two cameras bumped and strategically placed no parking cones, Josh parks where he can, I mean where I planned. You see? Think of your dick like Walmart and your PO is all the security wrapped up in a set of unwavering eyes. When you unzipped security turned on. Where is the room for error? Luckily for you there is a 30–40 second window that often goes unmonitored. Slight of hand and practice are more than important, there crucial. Jail or freedom will be determined by your skill in a half minutes time. Exciting stuff! Due to space constraints, storage and administration of UA are in two separate but close rooms. The hundreds of unopened pee-cups are stored in one area. They must be retrieved individually in your presence. These pee-cups can be purchased by you. Usually a foil shield across a 12 panel (18 for mine, cause I'm special) test is beside a thermometer. Two way to get the right ones. Next time you successfully pass a UA he'll hand you the cup. He'll tell you to throw it away as he walks out of the bathroom. Put it in your pocket. Order a bunch online. If he is savvy to that, demand a picture of the results on the test itself. You didn't know? Anyway, now you buy your own. I thought originally that a person could put clean pee in a cup triggering negative results. They'd dump the pee, not remove the foil and take the pass cup into probation a day later. When your PO hands you the new cup and leads you to the bathroom, switch them. Now your dirty pee is going into a cup that has already used it's ability to test. The thermometer would read accurately and the test will have already been negative. Our tester will pull the foil never knowing the difference. It's actually just a tad trickier than that. The testing and control molecules are time sensitive. Pee a day before your appointment and the red lines blurr out, probably requiring another test. Answer - Aquire cup. Acquire clean urine. Take cup into probation. Check in at window immediately followed by a trip to the bathroom. Pour clean urine (temperature does not matter) into test cup. Wait one minute, dump and dry the inside of cup. Test is underway. PO hands you cup, turns to walk to the other side of the bathroom. Switch, your pee bringing temperature to within normal parameters but not affecting a test already completed. Hand over cup confidently. Await next months appointment card. Questions, comments, concerns? Oh yeah, get caught and you'll wish you'd have given a dirty urinalysis…Leon